Lasher Jokes

Dingle Jokes -- Lasher Jokes (1) -- Lasher Jokes (2) -- Lasher Jokes (3)

This lasher stumbled into his house.
"What’s wrong?" asked his equally dim lasher wife.
"I had this great idea"; he gasped, smiling proudly. "I ran all the way home from Anfjord, behind the bus, and saved £1.50!"
"Big deal" said his wife, "next time run behind a taxi, and that way you’ll save a tenner"!

Three lashers were walking in the woods outside Oslo one-day when they saw a set of tracks. They set about arguing over exactly what kind of tracks they were. The 1st lasher said, "I think they’re deer tracks!" The 2nd lasher said, I think they’re dog tracks!" The 3rd lasher said, "I think they are cow tracks!"
They were still arguing when the train hit them!

A lasher policeman walked over to a parked car and asked the driver if it was licensed
"Of course it is!" said the driver.
"Great in that case I’ll have a pint of lager then", said the copper!

Why did the lasher ‘raver’ take two acids tablets?
Cos he wanted to go on a round trip!

A flash geezer in a Porsche, bombed through a small Blackpool village at 100 miles per hour! At the other side of the village he was stopped by the local plod. "Didn’t you see the ‘Dead-Slow’ sign when you entered the village?" enquired the bobby.
"Yes" said the bloke, "but I thought that it referred to the lasher locals."

What is a lasher doing when he holds his hands tightly over his ears?
Trying to hold on to a thought!

Why was the gay lasher disappointed with his trip to London?
Because he found out Big Ben is only a clock!

How do lasher brain cells die?

A lasher goes into a pet shop and asks for a wasp.
The owner tells him that they don’t sell wasps, to which the lasher says, "well you’ve got one in the window!"

Why did the lasher bring back his new ‘Gladiator’ DVD to the shop?
Because he was disappointed when he discovered that Wolf & Hunter weren’t actually in it!

A lasher mother and father were talking about their son’s school progress. "So how did Carl do in his history exam?" asks the father.
"Not very well" says the mother, "but then he can’t really be blamed! A lot of the questions were about things that happened before he was born!"

A bloke goes up to a lasher hotdog vendor. "Give me two hotdogs please, one with mustard and one without!" "Which one without?" says the lasher!"

What’s the difference between a car full of lashers and a porcupine?
With the porcupine the pricks are on the outside!

Why did the lasher bring back the ‘Mutiny On The Bounty’ video that he’d just bought?
Because as he started to watch it there was a warning about pirate tapes!

Did you hear about the ‘trendy’ lasher who went into town to buy a pair of camouflage trousers?
He searched for hours but couldn’t see any!

Did you hear about the lasher who was rushed into hospital after he’d badly scalded his feet whilst cooking a jam sponge pudding?
It said on the tin…. "stand in boiling water for 5 minutes!"

Or there was the lasher cook who nearly drowned after he heard that in order to avoid crying it was best to peel onions under water!

Did you hear about the lasher who phoned the ‘Anonymous Crime-Stopper Line’, at his local police station, to advise them that he’d not seen any anonymous crimes!

Have you heard about the new TV Quiz show exclusively for lashers?
It’s called The Missing Link!

Did you hear about the lasher who phoned up Crimewatch UK?
He thought they might be able to find his missing Timex!

What have a lasher and a dog turd got in common?
Absolutely everything!

A lasher and his work-mate were chatting during their lunch break one day. "It really pisses me off" said the lasher, "the boss keeps taking an hour-and-a-half for his lunch break, whilst you and I only get half-an-hour! That’s not fair is it?"
"I mean if I had an extra 15 minutes I could pop home for lunch!"!
"Well why don’t you" said his mate, "The boss is away for so long he’d never know!"
So the next day the lasher decides to go home for his lunch.
On arriving home he can’t find his wife anywhere downstairs, so he goes upstairs to the bedroom. As he’s opening the bedroom door, he catches a glimpse of his missus in bed with the boss.
Before they see him he shuts the door and rushes back to work.
When he gets back his mate says, "So are you going to do that again tomorrow?"
"No way says the lasher. "I nearly got caught today!"

"I don’t think we should have anymore kids," the lasher said to his wife.
"But why not?" said his equally dumb wife! "I thought that you always wanted a fourth?"
"Not any more," said the lasher… "I’ve just heard on the radio that every fourth child born in the world today is Chinese!"

A lasher arrives at Gloomfield midway through the 2nd half. "What’s the score?" he asks the bloke sitting next to him. "Nil-nil" is the reply.
"And what was the score at half time?" asks the lasher!

After a minor car crash one of the drivers, a lasher, was lying injured on the pavement! "Don’t worry," said a policeman who’s first on the scene, "a Red Cross Nurse is has just pulled up and is coming over."
"Oh shit" moaned the lasher, "couldn’t I have a blond cheerful one!"

Why did the lasher not report his credit card after it was stolen?
Because he found that the thief was spending less than he did!

A lasher woman driver is pulled over by police for swerving all over the road!
The policeman says that he suspects her of being under the influence of alcohol and breathalysers her. After a minute he looks at the bag and says, "I’m afraid it looks like you’ve had a couple of stiff ones!"
"Wow, you mean it shows that too?" replies the lasher!

Why did God give lashers two per cent more brains than horses?
Because he didn’t want them shitting in the streets during parades of their plastic trophies!