Lasher Jokes

Dingle Jokes -- Lasher Jokes (1) -- Lasher Jokes (2) -- Lasher Jokes (3)

What’s the difference between a lasher and a catfish?
One’s a bottom feeding scum sucker, and the other is a type of fish!

Why do lashers have to pay extra for brain surgery?
Cos the Doctors have to start from scratch!

Simon Grayson, the manager of Blackpool football club was woken up by a call from the local police station.
"I’m afraid the club has been broken into sir."
Horrified, he asked… "Did they get any of the worthwhile cups?"
"No" said the policeman, "they broke into the trophy room, and didn’t get as far as the kitchen"

What do a lasher and a sperm have in common?
Both have something like a one in 3 million chance of becoming a human being!

Why do some people have an instant hating of lashers?
It saves time!

How do you tell if a lasher is happy?
Who gives a fuck!

Three guys (a Prestonian, a Dingle and a Lasher) were out fishing when one caught a mermaid.
She offers to grant each fisherman one wish, in exchange for her freedom.
"Alright, double my IQ" says the Prestonian.
"Done," says the mermaid, and to his amazement he began to recite Shakespeare!
The Dingle was so staggered that he forgot all about making his dick larger, and said to the mermaid, "Triple my IQ!"
"Done," says the mermaid, and he started deducing solutions to mathematical problems that he had never even realised existed. The lasher was beside himself. "Quintuple my IQ" he screamed.
The mermaid looked at him and said, "Normally I wouldn’t try to change someone’s mind about a wish, but I’d really like you to reconsider."
The lasher shook his head stubbornly. "No, I want my IQ increased 5 times! If you don’t do it I won’t set you free."
"Please said the mermaid; it will totally alter your view of the universe."
No matter what the mermaid said, the lasher insisted. So the mermaid sighed and she said, "Done."With that he became a Prestonian!

Why did the lasher leave his wife?
She gave birth to twins and he wouldn’t believe her when she said there was no one else!

A lasher walks into a pub and orders 12 shots of the best whisky in the house. The landlord proceeds to fill 12 shot glasses and stares, puzzled, as the lasher begins to drink them down one by one.
As the lasher’s finishing the 11th shot, the landlord asks, "what’s the special occasion mate?"
"I’m celebrating my first blow-job!" says the lasher, as he finishes off the last shot.
"Well" says the landlord, "in that case have one on the house," and he fills up another shot glass.
"No thanks" says the lasher, "if 12 didn’t get the taste out of my mouth, one more wont!

What do you call a lasher with a sheep under his arm?
The Groom!

How do you tell if a lasher’s been in your garden?
Your dustbin is empty and your cat is pregnant!

What do you call a lasher with two sheep under his arms?
A pimp!

How many intelligent lashers does it take to change a lightbulb?
All two of them!

Why don’t lashers have mid-life crises?
Because they remain permanently stuck in adolescence!

Then there was the lasher who though that Antwerp was a silly woman and that Brittany Ferries was a teenage popstar!

What’s the difference between a puppy and a lasher?
Eventually the puppy will grow up, become house-trained and stop whining!

A lasher walks into a chemist and asks for a pack of condoms. "That’ll be £5 including the tax" says the shopkeeper
"Tacks!" exclaims the lasher, "so that’s how you put em on!"

A lasher is standing pissing into a fountain, in the middle of Oslo, when a copper comes up to him and says, "Hey, put it away!"
The lasher shoves his dick into his trousers and does up the zip.
As the copper walks away, the lasher starts laughing.
"Okay" says the copper, "what’s so funny?"
"Fooled you" beams the lasher, "I may have put it away, but I didn’t stop!"

A lasher was suffering from constipation, so his doctor prescribed suppositories.
A week later he was back at the doctor’s complaining that his constipation was getting worse, not better.
The doctor asked, "have you been taking the suppositories regularly?"
"What do you think I’ve been doing?" said the lasher. "Shoving them up my arse?"

Why has Guinness got a white head on it?
So that lashers know which end to drink first!

Why did the lasher farmer feed his chickens whisky?
Because he Was hoping they would lay scotch eggs!

A lasher is walking home one day, when he stops to ask someone the time.
On getting his reply the lasher says, "I don’t get it! That’s the fourth person I’ve asked and I’ve got a different answer each time!"

A lasher goes to the cinema, buys a ticket and goes in.
He returns to the ticket desk two minutes later and buys another ticket.
Two minutes later he returns and asks to buy a third ticket.
"Do you realise?" says the girl in the ticket office, "that’s the third time you’ve bought a ticket?"
"Yes" replies the lasher, "but every time I go to watch the movie, some bloke takes it from me and tears it in half!"

How do you get a lasher to do thousands of sit-ups?
Glue a meaningless piece of silverware between his ankles!

A drunk was staggering home from a pub early one Sunday morning, when he bumps into a lasher. "Tells me" he says, "ish that’s the shum or the moon up shere?"
"I dont know says the lasher, I’m not from around here!"

Did you hear about the lasher woodworm?
It was found dead in a brick!

Did you hear about the lasher inventor?
He invented a solar powered torch!

Why did the lasher go on a works outing on his own?
Because he was self employed!

A highly excited lasher rang up for an ambulance.
"Quickly, come quickly," he shouted, "my wife’s about to have a baby!"
"Is this her first baby?" asked the operator.
"No you fool," replied the lasher, "it’s her husband!"